Do you have the steps to communicate effectively with your spouse? If you aren’t sure, let me paint a picture for you. You get home, and you look at the calendar on the fridge. Both of your kids have activities in an hour, and dinner still needs to be made and eaten. Your husband hasn’t yet made it home, and he isn’t answering his phone. You panic, throw together sandwiches for dinner and begin to pack the car up. You have no idea how you will get both kids to their respective locations in time, but you don’t have time to think about it. Then you hear the garage door. With 15 minutes to spare, your hero has arrived to save the day. Only he’s met with contempt, a glare, and a tone that make even soldiers shudder. “What are you doing? Don’t you know that Billy has to be at the ball field in 10 minutes and Sally has gymnastics too? Didn’t you have that on your calendar? What is wrong with you? This happens all the time, and I don’t have time for this!”
Sound familiar, or at least your version of it? Perhaps your arguments aren’t with kid schedules, but work meetings, social gatherings, or other unmet expectations. Life is busy with kids or without. We all have things going on all the time. How do we keep from having these conversations every week? How do we set consistent conversations so that we can communicate effectively with our spouse? I believe it takes intention, consistency, consideration, and practice. Lots and lots of practice. We certainly aren’t perfect, but in 16 years of marriage, we have learned a thing or two about communication. Below I have listed 4 critical steps to communicate effectively with your spouse.
Be consistent
I know consistency has to look different ways for different families because schedules can vary greatly. If you can find a day and time of the week that is usually free for both of you, I’d recommend scheduling your weekly chats for that time. For us, it’s Sunday night after the kids have gone to bed. This time is especially helpful because it allows us to look at the week ahead BEFORE it begins. However, if during the week is best for you, then it can work as well. Unless work schedules don’t really allow for weekly discussions, I’d highly recommend them. This will allow you to determine upcoming responsibilities and events instead of them creeping up on you.
Talk about the small things as well as the big things
How many times have you thought about discussing a major issue with your spouse, but feared it wouldn’t go over well? So you sit on it, let it simmer, and when it happens again, you lash out rather irrationally? How much easier (and calmer) would it have been had you just mentioned it when you first felt the need? During our chats, Ryan and I always talk about the things that were challenging from the week prior. Some weeks we have minor challenges that might include a rough day with the kids, a package that didn’t arrive when it was supposed to, or a burnt dinner. Guess what? We talk about those things. Why? Sharing minor challenges allows us to see one another’s perspectives, encourage one another, and also practice for when bigger challenges arise like parenting or financial decisions.
Watch your tone
Tone is so important, but it requires intentionality. Depending on how you witnessed your family communicate, yelling might seem like a natural part of the equation. With yelling and screaming, it’s hard to wade through the emotions of anger, hurt and embarrassment to even remember the reason the yelling occurred. I used to raise my voice to try and get my point across, but all it did was drive Ryan to retreat. It didn’t get me anywhere. When I come at him with a tone of love and concern, he is more apt to hear my message because it’s not competing with the level of my voice. This is not easy, and has required a lot of patience on both our ends. I am learning to stop and think before I speak, gather my thoughts, and make sure I am coming from a place of logic and not emotion.
Consider your stage in life, but don’t let it be an excuse
Our kids are now at an age where they both go to bed at a decent hour, and they are learning the importance of staying there. Unless they are sick or have to use the bathroom, they know they need to stay in their rooms and go to sleep. This is when Ryan and I have most of our consistent quality time together. However, this hasn’t always been the case. Unless they’re on a sleep schedule (which I highly recommend), babies don’t sleep just so that you can have quality time with your spouse. Add another baby (or two) to the mix, and you start all over again. A growing and young family definitely requires patience and creativity in your consistency. But don’t let this hinder you from communicating consistently with your spouse. As fast as those babes grow, the time not spent with your spouse grows too, and progress is quickly lost among other things. Communicate effectively with your spouse any way that you can.
Here’s a new scenario: You come home and glance at the calendar. Both kids have activities in an hour, but you aren’t worried because you have already communicated your responsibilities with your spouse for today. You will take Sally to gymnastics, and your husband is taking Billy to the ball field. So you make some quick sandwiches for dinner, and prepare the bags to load up. With 15 minutes to spare, your husband pulls into the garage. You take his coat and hand him Billy’s bag. Kiss him quick on the cheek, and mouth “I love you” on your way out the door. You head to gymnastics feeling great that everyone is taken care of, and you can’t wait to catch up with your spouse after the day is done.
Sound like a dream? It doesn’t have to. It just takes intention, consistency, consideration, and practice. Lots and lots of practice.
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