Are you starting a family or adding to the one you have? Here are 5 steps to a healthy marriage after having a baby.
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Starting a family is a beautiful thing, one that many couples plan for before they are even married! But adding new members to your party of two can be quite a challenge to a healthy and happy marriage. For some, the challenge begins the moment you start planning for a family. For others, the family grows so quickly that your marriage takes a back seat. Either way, you might find that maintaining a strong relationship between you and your spouse is the greatest challenge of them all as you bring children into your life. Keeping a strong marriage after having children is a concern that I hear over and over again, so if you are unsettled about where your marriage might stand once baby arrives, you are not alone! Below are 5 Action Steps for a Healthy Marriage after having a baby. This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but I commend you for taking a step to securing the strength in your marriage whether you are planning a family or already have that sweet bundle of joy in your arms.
Challenge: My Spouse Isn’t a Top Priority
It’s difficult to find the time and energy to love my spouse the way I used to.
Giving the baby what he or she needs and not feeling like your spouse is a priority is a challenge to a healthy marriage after having a baby. And I get it. Your baby needs you. Like, NEED needs you. Your baby is solely dependent upon you. Day in and day out, you give more and more to this sweet baby you have been blessed with. A blessing you perhaps prayed for months, even years for. Some days you can’t even believe you get this amazing privilege. It is good, but it. is. hard! Nursing, cuddling, nap time, laundry, bottles, playing, more laundry (does the laundry ever end?) It is soooo easy to feel like you are swamped with baby needs that you have nothing left for anyone, let alone your spouse. But guess what? Your spouse needs you too. Like, NEED needs you. Before there was baby, there was the two of you. After your little one becomes a big one and leaves the nest, there will still be the two of you.
Action Step: I am not saying to devoid your precious child of survival needs. But what I AM saying is there will be many times that you can, and should choose your husband over your child. Doing so will show him that he and your marriage are still of most importance to you. When it is not a matter of survival, choose your spouse.
Challenge: Date Nights Are On Hiatus
Now that baby is here and not on a schedule, we don’t spend quality time with each other.
Reprioritizing date nights are a challenge to a healthy marriage after having a baby. When you bring a child into a marriage, whether its after 10 months or 10 years, your lives will change dramatically. There is no way around it. A new life can and will change you. You will be changed in how you think, how you act, how loudly you play music, even how long your showers are. And, inevitably, a new baby will change your perception of date nights. In fact, a new baby might mean you get no date nights, and thats when you have to get creative. And you will get creative in order to maintain the priority of your marriage. You must continue to carve out time to show your spouse that he is a priority and your marriage is important.
Action Step: Reinvent dates! Day dates have become a new favorite of ours. We still go on the monthly date night (our kids are 4 and 9 at the time of this post), but we get more opportunities to spend the daytime hours together, so we take advantage of that! Date nights can still exist, but perhaps you eat pizza in bed after the baby is asleep for the night. Watch a movie, play a game or just chat without the pressure of tending to a baby.
Challenge: Irregular Communication
My spouse and I rarely see each other, let alone spend time talking with one another.
Finding time to have conversations with your spouse is a challenge to a healthy marriage after having a baby. And having a baby is a traumatic process for the both of you. Even if you didn’t experience physical birth pains, a new member of the family can create an overwhelming sense of disruption. And here’s the hard part, you might be totally fine one moment and a complete crazy person the next. Guess what else? Your spouse doesn’t know your cool and crazy schedule any more than you do! Communicating regularly allows you to help each other through this new season. You were never meant to do this alone. Tell your spouse how you are feeling. Soften the blow if you have to, but tell him. Whenever I want to talk about something with my husband, but I’m worried how he will perceive it, I always begin with “I know this might sound silly/crazy, but I need to tell you…” And it helps prepare his heart to listen non-judgmentally.
Action Step: Schedule a regular time to catch up. These days, Ryan and I chat every Sunday night after the kids go to bed. We discuss our week behind us and week ahead, we ask for specific help and prayers from each other, and we discuss shared obligations and even dreams on our heart. But maybe it’s just a daily text to ask for prayer, or send encouragement. However you choose to communicate, make it a regular practice in your marriage.
Challenge: I Feel Like a Failure
I don’t think I am doing this marriage/parenting thing right.
Feeling like you aren’t doing enough, giving enough, being enough for everyone is a challenge to a healthy marriage after having a baby. Give yourself a break! We are all human. We all mess up and need a do-over. I think God knew this when he created the 24 hour period we call a day. He knows we need rest. He knows we need a new sunrise to allow us a fresh start. Parenting is rarely perfect, and neither is marriage. Perfection is not the point (thank goodness!). The point is to enjoy the journey each and every day, realizing that some days you will hit the nail right on the head. And other days, you will smash your finger so hard on that hammer that you need to rest, recharge, recalibrate and start over again. It is not a loss unless you don’t learn from it.
Action Step: Reflect on situations that were particularly challenging. What went wrong? Are you getting enough rest, water, exercise? Are you proactively seeking patience and gentleness that only comes from the power of the Holy Spirit? Know better. Do better. But through it all, know that you are doing your best and give yourself grace. Tomorrow is a new day.
Challenge: Things Are Always Changing
What I am doing this week doesn’t work the way it did last week.
And on that thread, keep in mind that just as soon as you think you’ve got it all figured out, things will change. Your baby might sleep longer, or begin waking up at a weird new time. Maybe your spouse’s work schedule changes. Your maternity leave, and consequently personal schedule might change. Life is all about changes.
Action Step: Remember the first 4 tips to maintain a strong relationship and keep in step with the journey God is taking you on in your marriage and in your family. Step back from time to time, and be thankful. Notice your blessings and how important life is. We are all in this together.
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The “I Feel Like a Failure” point really struck me, I certainly experienced this. Let’s face it, even as a grandparent and parent of adults I sometimes feel this, so this advice is still valid for me. Particularly for new moms and dads, some moms are feeling the effects of post-partum depression and hormone fluctuation, and some dads are still learning how to respond as supportively as they should, as they adjust their expectations and learn how to dig in to this new reality. Then, there’s all those high expectations we bring into parenthood, pressure we put on ourselves as you said. I love your self-care advice. I would add being honest with your spouse about your feelings. They may be feeling the same way but unable to express it well.
Absolutely! Constant communication is key. Sometimes, even with our spouse, it can be difficult to share those kinds of feelings because we think we’re just being crazy or they won’t understand. The more we communicate the small things, the easier it will be to communicate the challenging things.